Humor to help you through your day

Hummingbird wrote:"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
~ George Carlin ~

LOL so true

mr.moose wrote:Photo Trap
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

Oh that is a good one!!!!!!

Photo Trap
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
''That was incredible!'' she said.
''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''
''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
~ Carl Zwanig ~

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."

"After all is said and done, usually more is said."

"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first."

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
~ Carol Leifer ~

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
~ George Carlin ~

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
~ Ellen DeGeners ~

"If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"